Pre-Tough Mudder anxiety and week in review

It's been another busy week. I have been working really hard at staying present in each moment and evaluating my hunger to see if it's real or just some emotion that I need to deal with. I have also been working on the idea that all food is ok. I'm still scared of pasta, bread, certain sauces and dressings, the list goes on and on. I had an appointment today with my dietitian and she is hesitant to put me on an official meal plan beacuse of my perfectionist tendancies. My goal for this week is to introduce more grains, eat something small before working out in the morning, and writing down my safe, caution and off limits foods. I will add those things to my food journal with notes to see how that goes.

As far as the rest of my life goes I'm super excited about doing the Tough  Mudder tomorrow. It will be my second one and my husbands first.

Two years ago I did the Mudder with 5 other girls and it was absolutely amazing. We had such a fun time and learned a lot about ourselves. I rode the high of that race for days!

2014 Twin Cities Mudder

We were supposed to run last year with a large group of couples but a freak storm came through the night before and trashed the course so we got cancelled. It was such a bummer for my husband who hadn't run one before and was so excited. He's finally going to get his chance. This year our larger group has shrunk to four people (me & 3 guys)! Fortunately I've been running a lot so at least I can keep up on that part. The strength parts I'm going to count on them. I'll bring you a complete update next week.

My other goal is to add more pictures to this blog. I love blogs with lots of pictures so I'm going to up my game. It's hard to remember to take pictures of everything I do.

So many updates

Wow...what a weekend. We had our annual Whiz Bang Days town festival starting Thursday night and we've been going pretty non-stop since then. Last Thursday was my first visit for nutritional counseling with a registered dietitian. She gave me a book to take home and some homework chapters to read. The appointment was more of an intake and getting to know each other. We did not get to the actual meal plan but she did ask that I keep a food journal until our visit on Friday.

A couple things she said really stuck in my mind over the weekend. She told me to honor what my body was asking for by eating what sounded good at the time. She also said that dessert could/would be included in my life. Those statements and the overall idea that I would get some help with my eating caused a giant sigh of relief. All of a sudden the idea of obsessing over food felt exhausting so I just didn't do it. I read from the two books I had been given and had several epiphanies about getting to the root cause of my eating. Again, the reinforcement that this isn't my fault, or that I just didn't try hard enough, but that I really had an issue to be fixed.

As I mentioned we had our annual town celebration which in the past meant 3-4 days of eating and drinking with no control. This year I gave myself permission to just get through the weekend with no judgment. Friday I decided early in the week I was going to stay home, go to bed early and cut out a whole night of temptation. I followed through with that plan and felt great Saturday morning. We had a great family day playing pickleball, lunch with my family, a family kickball game and a party with our friends. The party went great. I was able to navigate the buffet and dessert table without going overboard. It really helped to have the food inside the garage so it wasn't constantly visible. Sunday we went to the parade, played volleyball and went to the fireworks with the kids.

Monday morning I started my 8 week program through FitnessBlender. I had to complete my Physical Fitness Test which included running a mile, push ups, squats, a plank and sit and reach. I will do it again at the end of 8 weeks to see how I've progressed. This morning I did my first official workout of the plan. It included a warm up, a HIIT section, a lower body toning section and a cool down. I'm not letting myself look ahead at the next day's workout because I tend to psych myself up and think it's going to be too hard and I skip it.

My focus for this week is continuing to explore my feelings and try to identify the true source of hunger. It's amazing how many times I'll say "I'm hungry" out loud to justify a snack that I'm really not hungry for.

First Counseling Appointment

Yesterday went pretty well. I was able to pick up the prescription from my doctor for the antidepressant and started that right away. She told me to start with one in the morning and go up to 2 if I need it. We'll see how it goes. Work was very busy so that helped distract me from thoughts of food and snacking all day.

I got up early and did a Fitness Blender cardio and lower body routine. I am loving the variety after running so much in June.

Food journal:
Breakfast - egg bake topped with salsa
Lunch - quinoa, peas, pulled pork, BBQ sauce
Snack - apple
Dinner - chicken enchilada, cauliflower rice, salsa, lettuce, tomato, onion, greek yogurt
Snack - pretzel chips and chipotle hummus

Beverages - 4 cans Diet coke, sparkling water with dinner, coffee

I had my first counseling appointment to start tacking my food issues. It felt a little uncomfortable to be so forthcoming with a stranger but at the same time that is her job so I thought I better get my money's worth. She was very nice and recommended a book called, "Eating by the Light of the Moon." Definitely not a book I would choose on my own but it is highly reviewed on Amazon, only $10 and can't do any harm. I ordered it this morning so I'll give an update when I've had a chance to get into it.

Today is my first appointment for nutrition counseling. This is the appointment I'm most excited about. I need someone to take all the conflicting information I've stored up in my brain and give me a plan to follow. The counselor yesterday alluded to the idea of just eating  because I'm hungry and enjoying social functions without guilt. I can't wait.

On a side note, my mom is also working to get in shape and is starting a 10 week challenge through a local gym on Saturday. I am going to ask her if I can blog about her experience too as we seem to go through these things together and there might be some good insight and of course humor along the way.

The real me finally

The last time I was here it was in the midst of a January Whole30 that I was really excited about. I spent the month following the rules and getting really good results. I lost 10  pounds and several inches. After it ended I really struggled with figuring out how to eat after the Whole30. Over time it became clear that Whole30 was just another diet in healthy fad diet clothing.

Fast forward to July and I've gained back the 10 pounds I lost. I'm in full blown avoidance mode - no mirrors, no tight pants, loose shirts, etc. The difference this time is that I'm choosing to try and figure out the deeper reasons for my issues with food.

My employer offers free health coaching so in June I signed up and met with my coach for the first time. She was really great and asked a ton of questions to help identify the biggest areas for me to focus. By the end of our time she gently suggested I consider meeting with a therapist to discuss my food issues. We also spent a lot of time talking about my inability to stay away from peanut butter (long story). Our two goals at the end of the session were to hide the peanut butter and to schedule an appointment with a therapist.

After that initial coaching session I downloaded a habit tracking app to try and get a handle on my peanut butter obsession. I set up the app to ask me every night at 9pm if I had avoided peanut butter that day. The time I chose was important because that is right around the time I can be found rummaging in the cupboards every night. It was hard at first but once I got some momentum and the daily validation that I had succeeded for another day it got easier and easier.

The second goal was harder to face. Do I really have that big of a problem? Do I just need to try harder? Why does it seem like the harder I try the more crazy I get about food? I wrote my doctor and asked for a referral. She recommended I come in and meet with her to make sure there weren't other things going on we should consider. I took the plunge and called a local clinic that specializes in eating disorders called The Emily Program. From the moment the operator came on the line it felt like the right decision to pursue treatment. The first step was an intake appointment with a bunch of paperwork to fill out and then meeting with a psychologist to determine the level of treatment I would need. It was really hard to admit some of the things out loud to a stranger. It was also a bit of a relief to finally say these things out loud to someone as they've been rattling in my brain for so long. After we talked she made it clear that what I was going through was common but also very clearly an eating disorder. Wow. Just like that. I have an eating disorder. It is really hard for me to think about having a problem that I can't just will away or fix on my own. At the same time I am thrilled at the idea of finally understanding the root cause of my issues. I have an appointment this week with both a psychologist and a nutritionist.

For some reason I was really nervous to talk with my husband about all of this. I'm not sure why since he has never been anything but supportive. When I did finally bring up the subject and told him what I had scheduled he was great about it. He's happy that I'm taking steps to make positive progress.  Hopefully this process will help us understand how to attack the problem together. We might even find ways to be healthier as a couple.

I've dabbled with this blog for a long time and I think the reason I haven't stuck with it is because I haven't been 100% honest with my posts. I wanted to portray the sunshine and roses version of everything and that is not my reality. So from now on this will be my honest account of my attempt to get healthy once and for all. In the interest of full disclosure here are some of the food behaviors I've been struggling with for years that no one else knows about:

1. Obsessive food thoughts - I think about food constantly. What did I eat last, when can I eat again, what kind of treat should I have today.
2. Hoarding food & pop - I've developed this odd habit of stopping on the way to work to buy food and diet soda. I buy 12 packs, 2 liters, fountain drinks, etc. I try to find a sale and then I feel compelled to buy it - even if I already have several cases stacked up in my office. This of course means I drink an obscene amount of diet soda each day.
3. Hiding food - in addition to the diet soda I also tend to buy treat foods that my husband wouldn't approve of buying at home. The best example of this is Cool Whip. I know that it is not good for me and completely unnecessary but I find myself buying Cool Whip and then I have to buy stuff to put it on or on it. So that leads to Greek yogurt, ice cream, brownies, etc. I bring it into work in a bag, hide it in the fridge and then take it to my office and close to door so no one sees it.
4. Sneaking food - I am the queen of sneaking into the kitchen on my way to bed to grab anything I can get my hands on. This has gotten better since I ditched the peanut butter but I still have my moments.
5. Creating elaborate food combinations - I love to think about how I can combine foods into more elaborate and more delicious foods. It is almost always sweets and may start with seemingly healthy ingredients and then spirals out of control. The two best examples from my recent past include Greek yogurt "snacks" and overnight oats. The Greek yogurt started as Greek yogurt mixed with sugar gree jelly. Then I added chocolate chips, then graham crackers, then Cool Whip, then marshmallow fluff. It went on and on until it was well over 500 calories and a pure sugar bomb. I ate them every night and when I was busy or had plans that interfered with eating it I was irrationally upset about it. I would often cancel social plans so I could have my treat.
6. Pre-meditated binges - I often spend days or weeks thinking about opportunities to eat. For example, this weekend we have our annual town festival. We're going to a potluck on Saturday night that will be a free for all of alcohol and food. I am already imagining what kind of desserts they will have and how I can discreetly sneak into the food area to keep sampling different things.    
7. Planning my day around what I can eat and when - I have a strange fear of getting hungry so always make sure I have time built into my schedule to eat. I will cancel meetings or rearrange plans to make sure I get to eat when I want to eat.

It is strange to see it all in print and scary that it is just scratching the surface of what I've been going through. I'll post again after my appointments and let you know how they go. For now I'm just focusing on taking one day at a time and not beating myself up about what happened in the past. I'm so excited to have a realistic plan!