Pre-Tough Mudder anxiety and week in review

It's been another busy week. I have been working really hard at staying present in each moment and evaluating my hunger to see if it's real or just some emotion that I need to deal with. I have also been working on the idea that all food is ok. I'm still scared of pasta, bread, certain sauces and dressings, the list goes on and on. I had an appointment today with my dietitian and she is hesitant to put me on an official meal plan beacuse of my perfectionist tendancies. My goal for this week is to introduce more grains, eat something small before working out in the morning, and writing down my safe, caution and off limits foods. I will add those things to my food journal with notes to see how that goes.

As far as the rest of my life goes I'm super excited about doing the Tough  Mudder tomorrow. It will be my second one and my husbands first.

Two years ago I did the Mudder with 5 other girls and it was absolutely amazing. We had such a fun time and learned a lot about ourselves. I rode the high of that race for days!

2014 Twin Cities Mudder

We were supposed to run last year with a large group of couples but a freak storm came through the night before and trashed the course so we got cancelled. It was such a bummer for my husband who hadn't run one before and was so excited. He's finally going to get his chance. This year our larger group has shrunk to four people (me & 3 guys)! Fortunately I've been running a lot so at least I can keep up on that part. The strength parts I'm going to count on them. I'll bring you a complete update next week.

My other goal is to add more pictures to this blog. I love blogs with lots of pictures so I'm going to up my game. It's hard to remember to take pictures of everything I do.

So many updates

Wow...what a weekend. We had our annual Whiz Bang Days town festival starting Thursday night and we've been going pretty non-stop since then. Last Thursday was my first visit for nutritional counseling with a registered dietitian. She gave me a book to take home and some homework chapters to read. The appointment was more of an intake and getting to know each other. We did not get to the actual meal plan but she did ask that I keep a food journal until our visit on Friday.

A couple things she said really stuck in my mind over the weekend. She told me to honor what my body was asking for by eating what sounded good at the time. She also said that dessert could/would be included in my life. Those statements and the overall idea that I would get some help with my eating caused a giant sigh of relief. All of a sudden the idea of obsessing over food felt exhausting so I just didn't do it. I read from the two books I had been given and had several epiphanies about getting to the root cause of my eating. Again, the reinforcement that this isn't my fault, or that I just didn't try hard enough, but that I really had an issue to be fixed.

As I mentioned we had our annual town celebration which in the past meant 3-4 days of eating and drinking with no control. This year I gave myself permission to just get through the weekend with no judgment. Friday I decided early in the week I was going to stay home, go to bed early and cut out a whole night of temptation. I followed through with that plan and felt great Saturday morning. We had a great family day playing pickleball, lunch with my family, a family kickball game and a party with our friends. The party went great. I was able to navigate the buffet and dessert table without going overboard. It really helped to have the food inside the garage so it wasn't constantly visible. Sunday we went to the parade, played volleyball and went to the fireworks with the kids.

Monday morning I started my 8 week program through FitnessBlender. I had to complete my Physical Fitness Test which included running a mile, push ups, squats, a plank and sit and reach. I will do it again at the end of 8 weeks to see how I've progressed. This morning I did my first official workout of the plan. It included a warm up, a HIIT section, a lower body toning section and a cool down. I'm not letting myself look ahead at the next day's workout because I tend to psych myself up and think it's going to be too hard and I skip it.

My focus for this week is continuing to explore my feelings and try to identify the true source of hunger. It's amazing how many times I'll say "I'm hungry" out loud to justify a snack that I'm really not hungry for.

First Counseling Appointment

Yesterday went pretty well. I was able to pick up the prescription from my doctor for the antidepressant and started that right away. She told me to start with one in the morning and go up to 2 if I need it. We'll see how it goes. Work was very busy so that helped distract me from thoughts of food and snacking all day.

I got up early and did a Fitness Blender cardio and lower body routine. I am loving the variety after running so much in June.

Food journal:
Breakfast - egg bake topped with salsa
Lunch - quinoa, peas, pulled pork, BBQ sauce
Snack - apple
Dinner - chicken enchilada, cauliflower rice, salsa, lettuce, tomato, onion, greek yogurt
Snack - pretzel chips and chipotle hummus

Beverages - 4 cans Diet coke, sparkling water with dinner, coffee

I had my first counseling appointment to start tacking my food issues. It felt a little uncomfortable to be so forthcoming with a stranger but at the same time that is her job so I thought I better get my money's worth. She was very nice and recommended a book called, "Eating by the Light of the Moon." Definitely not a book I would choose on my own but it is highly reviewed on Amazon, only $10 and can't do any harm. I ordered it this morning so I'll give an update when I've had a chance to get into it.

Today is my first appointment for nutrition counseling. This is the appointment I'm most excited about. I need someone to take all the conflicting information I've stored up in my brain and give me a plan to follow. The counselor yesterday alluded to the idea of just eating  because I'm hungry and enjoying social functions without guilt. I can't wait.

On a side note, my mom is also working to get in shape and is starting a 10 week challenge through a local gym on Saturday. I am going to ask her if I can blog about her experience too as we seem to go through these things together and there might be some good insight and of course humor along the way.

The real me finally

The last time I was here it was in the midst of a January Whole30 that I was really excited about. I spent the month following the rules and getting really good results. I lost 10  pounds and several inches. After it ended I really struggled with figuring out how to eat after the Whole30. Over time it became clear that Whole30 was just another diet in healthy fad diet clothing.

Fast forward to July and I've gained back the 10 pounds I lost. I'm in full blown avoidance mode - no mirrors, no tight pants, loose shirts, etc. The difference this time is that I'm choosing to try and figure out the deeper reasons for my issues with food.

My employer offers free health coaching so in June I signed up and met with my coach for the first time. She was really great and asked a ton of questions to help identify the biggest areas for me to focus. By the end of our time she gently suggested I consider meeting with a therapist to discuss my food issues. We also spent a lot of time talking about my inability to stay away from peanut butter (long story). Our two goals at the end of the session were to hide the peanut butter and to schedule an appointment with a therapist.

After that initial coaching session I downloaded a habit tracking app to try and get a handle on my peanut butter obsession. I set up the app to ask me every night at 9pm if I had avoided peanut butter that day. The time I chose was important because that is right around the time I can be found rummaging in the cupboards every night. It was hard at first but once I got some momentum and the daily validation that I had succeeded for another day it got easier and easier.

The second goal was harder to face. Do I really have that big of a problem? Do I just need to try harder? Why does it seem like the harder I try the more crazy I get about food? I wrote my doctor and asked for a referral. She recommended I come in and meet with her to make sure there weren't other things going on we should consider. I took the plunge and called a local clinic that specializes in eating disorders called The Emily Program. From the moment the operator came on the line it felt like the right decision to pursue treatment. The first step was an intake appointment with a bunch of paperwork to fill out and then meeting with a psychologist to determine the level of treatment I would need. It was really hard to admit some of the things out loud to a stranger. It was also a bit of a relief to finally say these things out loud to someone as they've been rattling in my brain for so long. After we talked she made it clear that what I was going through was common but also very clearly an eating disorder. Wow. Just like that. I have an eating disorder. It is really hard for me to think about having a problem that I can't just will away or fix on my own. At the same time I am thrilled at the idea of finally understanding the root cause of my issues. I have an appointment this week with both a psychologist and a nutritionist.

For some reason I was really nervous to talk with my husband about all of this. I'm not sure why since he has never been anything but supportive. When I did finally bring up the subject and told him what I had scheduled he was great about it. He's happy that I'm taking steps to make positive progress.  Hopefully this process will help us understand how to attack the problem together. We might even find ways to be healthier as a couple.

I've dabbled with this blog for a long time and I think the reason I haven't stuck with it is because I haven't been 100% honest with my posts. I wanted to portray the sunshine and roses version of everything and that is not my reality. So from now on this will be my honest account of my attempt to get healthy once and for all. In the interest of full disclosure here are some of the food behaviors I've been struggling with for years that no one else knows about:

1. Obsessive food thoughts - I think about food constantly. What did I eat last, when can I eat again, what kind of treat should I have today.
2. Hoarding food & pop - I've developed this odd habit of stopping on the way to work to buy food and diet soda. I buy 12 packs, 2 liters, fountain drinks, etc. I try to find a sale and then I feel compelled to buy it - even if I already have several cases stacked up in my office. This of course means I drink an obscene amount of diet soda each day.
3. Hiding food - in addition to the diet soda I also tend to buy treat foods that my husband wouldn't approve of buying at home. The best example of this is Cool Whip. I know that it is not good for me and completely unnecessary but I find myself buying Cool Whip and then I have to buy stuff to put it on or on it. So that leads to Greek yogurt, ice cream, brownies, etc. I bring it into work in a bag, hide it in the fridge and then take it to my office and close to door so no one sees it.
4. Sneaking food - I am the queen of sneaking into the kitchen on my way to bed to grab anything I can get my hands on. This has gotten better since I ditched the peanut butter but I still have my moments.
5. Creating elaborate food combinations - I love to think about how I can combine foods into more elaborate and more delicious foods. It is almost always sweets and may start with seemingly healthy ingredients and then spirals out of control. The two best examples from my recent past include Greek yogurt "snacks" and overnight oats. The Greek yogurt started as Greek yogurt mixed with sugar gree jelly. Then I added chocolate chips, then graham crackers, then Cool Whip, then marshmallow fluff. It went on and on until it was well over 500 calories and a pure sugar bomb. I ate them every night and when I was busy or had plans that interfered with eating it I was irrationally upset about it. I would often cancel social plans so I could have my treat.
6. Pre-meditated binges - I often spend days or weeks thinking about opportunities to eat. For example, this weekend we have our annual town festival. We're going to a potluck on Saturday night that will be a free for all of alcohol and food. I am already imagining what kind of desserts they will have and how I can discreetly sneak into the food area to keep sampling different things.    
7. Planning my day around what I can eat and when - I have a strange fear of getting hungry so always make sure I have time built into my schedule to eat. I will cancel meetings or rearrange plans to make sure I get to eat when I want to eat.

It is strange to see it all in print and scary that it is just scratching the surface of what I've been going through. I'll post again after my appointments and let you know how they go. For now I'm just focusing on taking one day at a time and not beating myself up about what happened in the past. I'm so excited to have a realistic plan!

Whole30 Day 30!!!!

I thought this day would never come. At least that how it has felt the last few days.  I knew day 30 would show up right after Day 29 but I never anticipated that the last 4 days would be the hardest. The irony is that when I think about what I will do differently tomorrow I can't think of a single thing. I don't drink alcohol during the week so no reintroduction of beer or wine. I don't have any dairy in the house so that's out. I wasn't much of a bread, pasta, rice person before this so I'll probably stick with my spaghetti squash and zoodles, and cauliflower rice. I think what I'm most looking forward to is being out from under the 100% perfection expectation of the Whole30. That is the one thing that has kept me on track for this program as I am the worlds best rule follower. I also told enough people what I was doing and roped in 4 of my closest family members to join me that I could not fail.

At this point everything feels like a comfortable habit. I've broken my addiction to diet soda, I've proven I can go without a bedtime snack, I've determined that food tastes really good without being slathered in hot sauce and salsa. I don't spend from Friday afternoon to Sunday night gorging on off plan foods "because I can" or "because I earned it."

I also noticed that our kids benefited indirectly from us doing a Whole30. We didn't force them to eat all of our food and we certainly supplemented their diet with carbs and sugar. But we also didn't bring in as many treats and we didn't eat out in a restaurant once. It was too overwhelming for me to even think about so we ate at home.

The most important take away for me from this month is that I had 30 days of ZERO GUILT. I ate to feed my body healthy food and that was the end of it. No treats, no cheat days, no ice cream sundaes, no beer, no late night snacks, nada. And it feels amazing.

My husband looks and feels amazing. He is excited to modify the program to allow us to continue with this style of eating almost all the time while allowing us to get back on the social scene without being those people at every event. We plan to incorporate Whole30 appetizers and meals into gatherings we host and when we have to bring something somewhere.

Tomorrow is the big results reveal. At the beginning of the month Dustin and I took each other's weight and measurements and sealed them in an envelope. I am going to wake him up before I go to work so we can celebrate our success. Even if the scale didn't move much for me I am so happy with the results I've seen away from the scale. I am also comforted by the idea that the Whole30 is here for me whenever I need it in the future. I already want to do another round this summer when fruit and grilling season is in full swing.

Whole30 Week 3 recap

I can hardly believe it's day 22 already! I had a bit of a mental struggle late last week wondering if this whole thing was worth the effort. That seems to coincide with Friday and my previous habit of using a glass of wine or beer to numb the stress of the week. When I really stop and think about the last 3 weeks I have nothing but positive things to say about Whole30.

I am so thankful that Dustin came along on this journey with me. We had scheduled a date night for Friday and took the kids to my parents. We really had to think about what we would do for our date since we normally eat not so good food and drink alcohol. We ended up having the most wonderful night. We cooked a meal together at home, drank kombucha for a treat and went out to see a movie. The Revenant is REALLY good by the way. We came home and went to sleep and got a really good nights rest. We woke up feeling refreshed and enjoyed more quiet time before picking up the kids at my parents.

The weather in MN finally warmed up enough that I could get back outside to run. I am noticing that I feel really off after runs during Whole30 than I did before. I am thinking I need more calories before and after to even out blood sugar changes so I will experiment with that. I tend to have zero appetite after running so never want food. I may have to force it for a period of time to see if it helps.

Another interesting outcome of this challenge is the impact is having on our children. They are very curious about what we're doing, why we're doing it, and most importantly what we can't have. They can't fathom a world without cereal, waffles, sugar in general, etc. I have noticed that the less junk we eat the less junk they eat. Even though we're still giving them carbs and processed food we are not eating out nearly as much if at all. I have much more awareness of just how much sugar is in everything and I am less likely to even buy the junky food for them in the first place. I would love to start transitioning their diet to more of the Whole30 style over time but this will be difficult.

Non-scale victories for Week 3:
- finally got to the point where I only eat 3 meals and no snacks.
- no in between meal grazing - this is huge for me as I tend to much throughout the evening all the way to bedtime.
- trying new foods - I had a date for the first time in my life and loved the natural sweetness.
- Fruit is my new candy - I cannot get over how sweet a Honey Crisp apple tastes now that my taste buds don't get sugar any other way.
- Workouts are getting easier - I definitely have more energy to do my workouts than I did in the first 2 weeks. As I mentioned above running is feeling different but I can troubleshoot that by adding more Whole30 carbs.
- My clothes fit better
- We continue to enjoy cooking new recipes. I made homemade breakfast sausages for Dustin and I this week and I'm hoping the kids will like them too.
- Food prep weekends are here to stay! The more I can get done Saturday and Sunday the better our whole week goes.

I am excited to end the Whole30 and start the reintroduction phase to see if my suspicions about dairy and grains are real. I am also excited to eat this way most of the time as it seems to really complement my need for rules and boundaries. If you give me an inch I will make an unhealthy snack out of it!

Whole30 Week 2 Recap

All I can say is wow. As I reflect on the last 14 days I am in awe of the changes I have seen with the Whole30 in such a short time. Yes, the first 7-10 days were hard. Yes, Dustin and I fought about things like ham and stir fry veggie prep. It goes with the territory. I've done more dishes in the last 2 weeks than in the last year I swear. We're legitimately talking about remodeling our kitchen to add a dishwasher so we can maintain this lifestyle if that tells you anything.

Here's what I've learned this week:
 - Variety is key! We hit a slump toward the end of week 2 and weren't feeling excited about our food choices at all. I made a trip to Whole Foods and found some plantain chips, Tessame dressing and special breakfast sausages to spice up our weekend eating. It was just what we needed. The Southwest Ranch dressing was spicy and delicious, the plantain chips satisfied the salty crunchy sensation we had been longing for and the sausages were just enough of a change from our normal breakfast routine that we were reinvigorated.

- You can socialize with friends but it's still hard. We were lucky enough to find friends who were willing to have us over AND cook food that fit our needs. They are also on a healthy eating kick so it was great to be able to share in that. We were all a bit cranky that we couldn't have our normal beer or wine or cocktail but at least we were in it together. We also noticed we were tired by 8pm. I guess we really are getting old.

- My energy is finally coming back. I jumped out of bed at 4:50am today without much effort. The first 2 weeks I could hardly drag myself down the stairs to get my workouts done. I felt better doing my workout too. Yippee!

Chicken Primavera reecipe from Whole30 book.

- I feel so good. It's hard to describe the feeling but I think it's a combination of not being bloated all the time, not feeling guilty about how "good" my food choices were on a given day, and my sleep is epic. I still have crazy dreams and have to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night but I'm hoping it's more toxins flushing out.

- Whole30 food does not have to be boring. We made ribs in the slow cooker last night and our 6 year old could not get enough. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my kids come on board. Granted the 4 year old threw a fit and refused to even try but baby steps right?

- Support is key. Having 4 other people in this with me makes all the difference. And since it was my idea I feel even more like I need to set a good example and see this through.

- I can't wait to carry these habits forward beyond the 30 days and live a more balanced happy life! I have so much more time in my day now that I'm not obsessing about food and soda and eating naughty things. Fueling my body has taken on a whole new meaning and I feel so at ease.

- I really want to weigh myself. I totally understand the why behind not doing it for 30 days but it helps me to see progress through numbers. I need to remember that the number on the scale would not change anything about what I do for the next 2 weeks. Clearly I still have work to do.

If you are doing a Whole30 too I hope you are getting as much benefit as I am from the program. I have found it very helpful to read others experiences online. It is amazing how similar all the stories sound.

Crock Pot full of delicious ribs.

Whole30 Week 1 Recap

I apologize for my absence over the last several days. I have been in the kitchen chopping vegetables and prepping ingredients like a madwoman. I am happy to say that I'm entering day 9 of the Whole30. Overall this program has exceeded my expectations by leaps and bounds. I feel like I'm coming back into my skin after letting my eating habits spiral out of control over the last several months. 

Portabella mushroom bun, hamburger, bacon, fried egg with a side of fingerling potatoes!

Here's what I've learned so far:

• I thrive on a program where 100% compliance is required. Give me an inch and I will take a mile. 
• I don't need a bedtime snack. Shocking! I've always maintained that I just NEED something to end the night. That something was always sweet. I've had a bedtime snack a couple times over the last week but it was because I was hungry and it was on plan. 
• I don't miss diet soda. I've long purported that my diet coke habit was harmless because it had no calories. I also thought that I was so addicted to it that I would suffer tremendously when giving it up. I did have headaches for a few days but nothing close to what I imagined.
• Ham is not Whole30 compliant. Dustin and I had an argument over a ham we thawed and then realized it was full of sugar! We gifted the ham to a non-Whole30 family and moved on with our day. 
• My anxiety is at an all time low. I no longer spend hours per day stressing and obsessing over my next meal, snack, beverage, etc. I just look forward to my next meal that I know will be tasty and satisfying. 
• I don't feel guilty all the time. So much of my eating revolved around whether the food was good or bad. Any time I ate a bad food it perpetuated the negative feedback loop and resulted in more bad eating. Food is not good or bad. It's fuel. Period. I love the simplicity of that.
• I can't imagine going back to eating the way I used to. I already know that I want to eat this way the majority of the time once we finish 30 days. Of course I want to be able to see friends and not be alone in the corner gnawing on a chicken leg and sipping my La Croix water but I also don't need to eat half a large pizza followed by several beers. 
• I love helping other people achieve their health and fitness goals. I have a group of 5 other people doing this with me. It helps me stay accountable and I love sharing tips, tricks and recipes to help them stay on track. 

As week 2 marches on I feel happy, healthy and in control of my life. My clothes feel better, my tummy looks deflated and my digestion is running perfectly. It is absolutely amazing to see how much impact the food we eat has on overall health! I can't wait to see what the rest of the month bring.

Steak, potatoes, and carrots.

My new Saturday night treat.

Whole30 Day 3

Day 3 went a lot better than days 1 and 2. I'm still feeling a bit foggy from time to time but overall expected to feel much worse. My eating was on point and I felt less anxiety between meals about food. I also didn't think about food as much as I normally do. I'm guessing that is because all my treat foods are off limits so no need to even spend mental energy on them. I did dream about a grilled cheese sandwich last night though so clearly my brain is still working through this.


Food for Day 3:
Breakfast - egg bake, spaghetti squash, salsa, guacamole, banana
Lunch - meatball, sauce, spaghetti squash, fajita veggies, cauliflower
Snack - carnitas, guacamole
Dinner - chicken salad w/ Italian vinaigrette and splash of balsamic
Snack - chicken (I was super hungry before bed tonight for the first time)


Beverages - sparkling water, coffee, tea


Mood & body - I felt calmer today and less anxious. I also felt foggy at times especially toward the end of the day. I'm wondering if it has to do with reducing my caffeine intake. Also, evening is when I usually had sugar so perhaps my body has expected that. No headache as of this morning.


Everyone in our group is experiencing similar things. Dustin and I both had a good day yesterday so that helps tremendously. We're game planning about how to make Week 2 even better. He is going to run out and get some more fruit today so we have more options there.


I talked to a few people at church last night who are also doing a Whole30 this month. It helped tremendously to talk with others in the same boat. They have all done it in the past so they know what to expect. They all say that it has transformed their eating habits beyond Whole30 so I'm really excited about that!


My goal is to eat Whole30 most of the time beyond this month and isolate special occasions or events to go off plan.

Whole30 Day 2 Recap

Well folks I survived another day without Diet Coke or any of the other crutch foods I had built into my daily habit. Day 2 was easier for me than day 1 but I feel like it was an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm happy and feeling confident and then I think about wanting a diet pop or stick of gum and get irrationally angry that I can't have it. I think the reality is that I'm irrationally angry by how I let toxic chemicals become such a source of comfort. It helps a lot to have others going through this with me. There are three of us on day 3, two on day 2 and one starting today. I think it will be nice for us to have perspective from those who have already been through a day or feeling to share with those just entering that day.

Giant delicious meaballs

Meals for Day 2:

Breakfast - egg scramble with pork sausage, mushrooms, salsa, spaghetti squash, guacamole

Lunch - pork carnitas, sweet potato, fajita veggies, salsa, guacamole

Snack - broccoli, pork sausage link, guac, hard boiled egg (I like weird food combinations mixed up in a bowl)

Dinner - meatballs, spaghetti sauce, spaghetti squash, side salad with Italian vinaigrette

Beverages - 3 liters sparkling water, coffee, tea

My apple cinnamon tea.

Dustin and I reconized today that we need to unite as allies if we're going to get through this portion of the Whole 30. We had a really good talk and agreed to assume the best of the other person and be really transparent with struggles so we don't assume the other person is thinking something they are not.

So far I'm still glad that I'm doing the Whole30 and look forward to getting through this initial difficult period.

Whole 30 Day 1

It is 7:09pm on day 1 and I can say with confidence that this day was way more challenging than I anticipated. I knew it would be hard to go without diet soda, gum, sugar, etc. But to go without all of them at once was very difficult mentally. I didn't realize how much of my day and how many of my habits are built around acquisition of and consumption of artificially sweetened beverages and food items. I woke up feeling gassy and uncomfortable. That was probably a direct result of the farewell to sugar ice cream sundae we ate last night. I know it's exactly what they tell you not to do but we had inventory to clear out before the big day.


I was at our corporate headquarters all day so I was out of my comfort zone when it comes to food already. I thought it would work in my favor keeping me distracted from the Whole30. Instead it seemed to shine a spotlight on all the things I wasn't doing that I normally would have done. Thankfully by 3pm when a dreadful headache set in I was able to come home and have a small snack and brew some coffee to ward off the caffeine withdrawal from not having 2+ liters of diet pop sprinkled into my day.

My new favorite drinks - sparkling water & apple cinnamon tea

Fortunately we had planned one of our all time favorite meals for dinner. When I got home the smell of carnitas greeted me from the oven. We had a roasted sweet potato topped with carnitas, fajita veggies, salsa and guacamole. My husband makes the best guacamole and I love that the Whole30 makes eating it guilt free. I am feeling so full still that I'm sure skipping my ritual bedtime snack will not feel as hard as I thought it would on the first day.

Epic batch of guacamole!

I'm expecting the next few days to be pretty awful based on what I experienced today. Dustin is going to be in the same boat. I hope we can white knuckle through the hard stuff to get to the high energy, good sleep section of this process.

Tomorrow's menu plan is:

Breakfast - egg bake w/ spaghetti squash, salsa, guacamole

Lunch - repeat of dinner tonight

Dinner - meatballs, spaghetti sauce, spaghetti squash

Snack - I am bringing almonds and a hard boiled egg in case the midafternoon blood sugar low hits me again.

Only 29 more days to go!!

 

Whole 30 Day Zero

Greetings,
I am sitting down on the eve of my first Whole 30 to log my thoughts and feelings. I have read the book, followed the advice and am all set to embark on this journey. I really hate when people talk about their journey but I guess it's a pretty accurate description of what is about to happen. I have recruited friends and family to join me and I plan to use this blog as a journal and accountability tracker throughout the next 30 days.

The reason I decided to do a Whole 30 is because I've developed some pretty disordered habits around eating and exercise. Three and a half years ago I decided to get fit and lose weight. I did succeed in losing 120 pounds. I also succeeded in adding muscle mass and cardiovascular endurance to run a half marathon. I also developed an intense fear of gaining the weight back. I deprived myself of calories to the point where I couldn't stand up without being light headed. I took pride in people telling me I shouldn't lose any more weight while secretly vowing to do just that.

Obviously that type of eating program is not sustainable and I then developed a habit of eating "bad" foods secretly. I also ramped up my consumption of diet soda. For some reason it felt like a freebie because it is calorie free. I started concocting strange snacks that appeared healthy but were really calorie bombs. Eating a jar of peanut butter each week cannot be good for anyone even if it is mixed with cottage cheese and bananas. Yes it is delicious.

I also found myself getting irrationally angry if I thought my treat foods were in jeopardy. I would go out of my way to stop at the grocery store on the way to work or during the work day to ensure I would have the ingredients I needed to make my snacks.

Fast forward to Fall of 2015. I was gaining weight and feeling bad about myself despite working out 6 days per week and feeling that I was always trying to eat just the right things. I was drinking liters of diet soda every single day. I often ended up feeling jittery and nauseous but still felt that I needed it.

If you haven't figured it out already there are addictive tendencies in my family that for me come out in my eating habits. I'm pretty convinced that sugar is my drug of choice and I have to treat it the way an alcoholic treats booze. Unfortunately sugar is so readily available I will be constantly faced with temptation. I am counting on the good feelings that result from eliminating sugar to far outweigh the temporary satisfaction gained from shoveling sugary treats into my mouth.

Over the next 30 days I will post my meals, thoughts and feelings. I will report in on the progress of those doing this with me (husband, mom, brother, sister-in-law, running buddy). At the end of the 30 days I'll show some before and after pictures and pounds and inches achievements of those willing to share.

If you are on the fence about Whole 30 I totally understand. I have been batting this idea around in the back of my head for over a year. I am finally so fed up with how things have gotten that I know doing that same things I'm doing will only result in more dysfunction and take me further from my goals.

Food prep for Whole 30

Breakfast for week one of Whole 30